We Don't Rent Auditoriums
by TessaSpencer
Summary: A wrong number turns into a long battle for Tony (non-sequential fluff)


"Hello?" Tony picked up the phone and propped it between his shoulder and his ear. The last thing he wanted to do was fall any further behind on the cleaning. He had homework backed up for about a mile, he thought, and the house was a dump. Well, not a dump because he'd never allow that. But it certainly wasn't very clean.  
  
"Hi, to whom am I speaking?" The voice on the extension seemed totally unfamiliar to Tony, unnerving him a bit with the formality of the tone.  
  
"Tony. Who 'm I talkin' to?"  
  
"Eli, Eli Stern, of the Hartford Sterns. I spoke to you last week."  
  
"Eli, Eli Stern, of the Hartford Sterns, I don't think we did talk. Last week or ever."  
  
"We did. About the auditorium. I couldn't decide."  
  
"Oh, well I'm glad to hear that." Tony rolled his eyes, waiting for the punch line on the joke of a day he was having.  
  
"Well, it was price and then it was location, but then I thought about it and yours seems like the best, so I guess..."  
  
"My what?"  
  
"Your auditorium."  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"So, I guess I'll do it."  
  
"Great. So what do I have to do with this?" It was frustrating. Frustrating and more than a bit confusing. And that was not a good combination for Tony on a high stress day.  
  
"Well, I want you to put the plans in motion. And we decided on pink streamers. For two hundred extra dollars it makes more sense."  
  
"Instead of...?" He couldn't help ask. It was like a train wreck.  
  
"Blue. Blue seemed too..."  
  
"Blue?"  
  
"Yes. Pink. Definitely pink."  
  
"Uh, Eli, as fun as this has been for me, I do have things to do. Who set you up to this? Mona?" His willingness to keep playing the game was wearing thin, and Tony knew that if he didn't get some answer there would be relatively no point in continuing this conversation. There had to be a legitimate reason for the phone call, even if it was Mona's idea of funny. A prank would be pretty typical considering how bored she gets on full office days.  
  
"Mona? No. Who's Mona?"  
  
"Sam?"  
  
"Sam Waters? We don't talk much about this part of the business."  
  
"Sam Micelli."  
  
"Nope. Don't know him."  
  
"Her."  
  
"Her either."  
  
Tony sighed. "Ok, so then what do you want?"  
  
"I want to rent the auditorium. I want pink streamers. And we need a dj."  
  
"Of course you do," Tony said. "And while you're at it you want a caterer? I don't have anything happening for a bit. I can whip up a mean round of manicotti."  
  
"Do you do Greek? That's our theme."  
  
"Eh, oh, I'm Italian. I don't do Greek."  
  
"Oh. Well, I guess I can't fault you for that."  
  
"Thanks. That's real big of you."  
  
"So, anyway, what are you charging for the catering? I can call Goran for approval on the extra money."  
  
"Okay, this is getting stupid. Who are you, what do you want, who set this up, and why are you still on the line?"  
  
"Eli, Eli Stern of the Hartford Sterns, and I want to rent your auditorium. My second cousin Denise used your auditorium for her wedding reception, that's who, and why? Because we need some where to host our conference for the launch of our new campaign."  
  
"You wanna speak to Angela?"  
  
"Is she cute?"  
  
"What?" The absolute confusion Tony was feeling was surpassed by a fit of anger at the implication that Eli, of Hartford, might be interested in more than Angela's account handling abilities.  
  
"Well, I mean, I don't exactly want my date to be a dog. I have a reputation to uphold."  
  
"Date?"  
  
"Angela—is she the girl you said you could get me as a date for this thing. Nominal fee, remember?"  
  
"What can you possibly want from me? Why are we still on the phone?"  
  
"I want to rent the auditorium."  
  
"We don't have an auditorium."  
  
"It's rented already?"  
  
"We don't have one. This is a private residence."  
  
"Well is there any other time on the weekend of the 15th that we might be able to get it."  
  
"Sure, if we had one," Tony said aggressively.  
  
"Oh. What about the following one? Could we maybe get some rooms too?"  
  
"We don't have one to rent out and if we did, I wouldn't let you anywhere near it because you sound like a creep!"  
  
"So you don't have one at this time to rent out?"  
  
"No."  
  
"But I talked to you last week and..."  
  
"You did NOT talk to me last week."  
  
"But I did."  
  
"Sure you did pal."  
  
"So you probably won't cater for us either...No streamers and no Angela?"  
  
"Definitely not bub."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Yeah." There was a sense of finality to the conversation that somehow made Tony feel rather at peace.  
  
"Alright then," Eli said, sounding defeated. "Bye."  
  
Hanging up, Tony shook his head in confusion. Whoever that man was, he needed help.  
  
When the phone began to ring again, Tony toyed with the idea of throwing it across the room.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hi, this is Eli, Eli Kern of Hartford."  
  
"Eli, Eli Kern of Hartford, we don't have an auditorium, I'm not renting out any rooms for you, I'm not decorating anything with pink streamers, and I'm not about to rent out Angela, so if you'd get the hint, just stop calling!" Slamming the phone down, Tony grumbled something in Italian before picking up his duster again.  
  
The ringing phone startled him. "Madonna mia, what's going on today? Is it a full moon?" Picking up the phone, Tony was not about to deal with this guy again. "Look, bub, I don't care what you want; you aren't getting it here, okay? And while you're at it, you're not renting out anything of mine. That includes my family, the house, and I'm not cooking you anything, so would you just get the clue and stop calling?"  
  
"Uh, hi Tony. It's me, Angela. Sorry to bother you. I was just calling to ask what was for dinner and if I should pick anything up, but uh, I guess we could go out for dinner," she said nervously, unsure as to why he seemed so angry at her.  
  
"Angela?" His jaw dropped. "I'm so sorry. I've just had the weirdest phone conversation of my life, and I thought you were Eli calling back again."  
  
"Eli?"  
  
"Eli Kern, of the Hartford Kerns," Tony offered, as if that should make perfect sense to her.  
  
"Uh huh. Are you feeling okay Tony? I'm worried about you." Her voice was soft and soothing, for fear of pushing him any further. Obviously he was having a manic Monday just as much as she was.  
  
"I'm fine..." he replied, wondering if it was true. "Hey, Angela, we aren't renting out any auditoriums, are we?"  
  
"Auditoriums?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"We don't have auditoriums."  
  
"To rent or own, right?"  
  
"You know what, Tony, I think tonight maybe we should just order in. You sound tired." 


End file.
